Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
