my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
