Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
