is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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