Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I am available for nakedness
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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