when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
