Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
