I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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