Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
