I cockslap morals
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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