She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
