I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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