So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
