I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
