i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
