My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
