im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
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im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
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"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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