yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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