In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
