my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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