I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
