we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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