at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
