She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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