i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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