I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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