True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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