I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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