My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
