I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
