I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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