you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You need Xanax blowdarts
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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