Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
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Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
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Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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