: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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