My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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