Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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