hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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