I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
