Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
