I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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