Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
