Your face is a jimmy john
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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