Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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