I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
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I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
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Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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