phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
