Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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