If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.