Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
