My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
