hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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