then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though