I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize