i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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