I think im going to throw up on grandma
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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