Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
