i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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