also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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