Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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