I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
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All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
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Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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