dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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