final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
