Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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